| I rarely post much anymore, but I hope to get back into it; however, I feel like I've outgrown Xanga. Hit me up at jchan985.blogspot.com if you're still interested in reading =). Until the next post, adieu!
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| it seems i even get rejected by girls in my dreams =P. does anyone know what dreams are actually supposed to mean about you?
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| Hi guys
Really long time no post, and I'm sorry =\ . I've lost touch with a whole bunch of you, and I apologize - I hope you can forgive me for the way I've been disconnected from you all recently.
I want to try to write on paralysis, which seems to have become the defining concept in my life. For what seems like a little over half a year now, I've been feeling like I can't move on with my life, can't make major decisions, can't seem to change the situations I'm in right now. I've been living at my old house with friends, and basically haven't been doing too much (or anything at all this summer. the purpose of this summer has been to relax to get ready for grad school).
I woke up this morning scared out of my mind for some reason. I was scared of when David was going to leave again, scared that I might not see him for a long time. I was scared of moving to Austin because of the big change, the loss of friends. I mean, I like hanging out with Steven, Henry, Timmy, Ken, Jimmy, and everyone who's around. I'll really miss each of them when I head up. Thus, I spent the morning agonizing over the best way to move up to Austin quickly and then come back down to see friends again.
For the longest time too, I seem to have been scared of making a decision in terms of belief too. I feel like I've been developing a more quiet, a more complicated (or...less simplistic) view of life and, consequently, God and metaphysics. However, even after a good friend sat me down and had a long talk with me one night about how I needed to choose and quit dodging the question, I still found I couldn't really decide. Maybe I couldn't push past my feelings of doubt and unanswered questions; maybe I just didn't want to have to commit to anything so large and life changing. Even after that, just re-asking the questions seemed to paralyze me so much - it's scary to really consider these large questions.
And so, I find myself not so paralyzed as I used to be - I no longer waste as much time doing needless things like playing video games - but I'm still scared to death of making a decision and changing my life from the way its been recently. I feel like I just started to feel secure again, and now everything is changing again.
Sigh...a little under 3 more weeks with all of you, and then it's goodbye again. I was never that scared of goodbye until now.
I swear, one of these days, I'll have an optimistic, happy post like there used to be =).
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| this is the loneliest year I have ever gone through in my life, but I can't seem to find it in me to change my situation.
more later
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